Swimming upstream

This morning as I was reading the Happinez about some Guru’s who can smell, see, feel, listen to you and immediately realize that and what is wrong. And as often happens, I found myself daydreaming away, sometimes we all need (or needed) that person who would just look at you and know that you’re not at all feeling as happy as you’re portraying. And all of the sudden you feel the desperate need to contact these guru’s, until you realize that they probably charge a crazy amount of many for their services. To me, this is a strange contrast, people who so dearly want to help others and live in touch with “what really matters”, but they’re most of the time very materialistic in the financial department. I don’t really understand that.

Getting off topic, anyway…

Yesterday I went out with someone who did give me the feeling he really saw me, not just the physical part. And we started talking about our youth. He told me he was bullied for 1 year at school, but then his brother came to the same school. His brother was the cool guy and if you hurt him or his family his revenge would be very hurtful. At first I thought; yeah, but still… it was only one year, and then it changed. But this was very damaging, because my friend got the lesson, that he wasn’t enough, he’d needed his brother (or someone else) so be worth something.

I didn’t have a brother of sister, I had a lovely old cat. When he died I got a new very young cat, and for one day he did function as my friend’s brother. I took the kitten to school and everyone was nice to me, because they wanted to play with him. So off course I got really upset when my mum told me I couldn’t take him to school every day.

No school wasn’t fun. It felt like swimming upstream, without having had one swimming lesson in your life. And sometimes you’re tired and just let yourself get pulled under just to find you’ve drifted downstream again, when you finally are able to breathe again. But at least it got easier,  every time you had to go the distance. Meanwhile just getting stronger and maybe a little but further then last time.

At long last everything changed when I arrived at university. At first I was confused, because for once the stream was going in the same direction as I was. Sometimes I just drifted along, and sometimes old habits kicked in and I just tried swimming upstream, only to find out that I was going in the wrong direction. But the thing was, it took me a while to find out how to actually swim along the stream. And when I did, I finally thought I got the hang of it, we arrived at a waterfall: I graduated with o.k. grades and actually found some friends along the way!

But I wasn’t ready to let go completely. So just before we went over the edge, to find a new stream at the bottom, I jumped out of the stream just to enjoy the view for a while. This has proven a wise decision, because in this time everything that I’ve learned in the previous 4 years had time to sink in. I started making decisions for me, decisions that were to make me happy.

At this moment I feel completely competent to jump the waterfall and find a new stream, but somehow the waterfall dried up. Or am I hallucinating? I’ve been wondering around this forest on the edge, but I can’t find the waterfall anymore. I tried just simply jumping down from the place where I thought was the old waterfall, but nothing happened, I just ended up where I was.

So, right now I’m just jumping in everyplace where there’s room to jump.  Hopefully I find my waterfall real soon…

On the other hand, after having created these amazing muscles for swimming upstream, righ now I’m creating killer muscles for jumping!

There’s always a lessons to be learned…. J