Duemila dodici (2012)

Every year during the Christmas/NYE’s period I take a moment to reflect on the past year. Last year I looked back on something what had felt amazing, the perfect ending of my working experience and actually getting offered the job, without having graduated yet! This year I finally graduated, having searched for the right direction for a long time, I finally found an education and profession where I felt ‘at ease’. But after the victory of last year, graduation didn’t feel like much of an achievement, I had to, because you need the paper which sais you’re actually allowed to do this job, but I’d already proven myself… To me, and in the work field. Still it was an epic journey to get there. Together with two other amazing women we started the research for our thesis in January, but we encountered all kinds of bumps on our way. We didn’t connect at all with the teacher who was supposed to guide us, she was discouraging and condescending. Our primary goal appeared to be impossible and even the adjusted second goal wasn’t going to make it. In times when things are rough you discover what you’re really made of. Off course I had my moments of worry and doubt. I went home to my parents, I took a time out, not knowing how to proceed, I needed to get away from the place of worries. When I returned I still had no idea how, but I did know one thing: I am going to battle this thesis all the way through, and I’m not going to give up. Because if we fail, which was very probable, I want to be able to say: I’ve done everything possible. We had little time and a lot to do. I realized I had to change my work ethic. Before I was focused mainly the atmosphere between us and not being too annoying with my ‘perfectionist habits’, but I needed to change that for us to work most effectively. For the last 3 weeks they had to put up with my scrutiny and the phrases “can you build a good argument” and “can you refer to our data” roamed our mailboxes. However they were banned shortly after handing in our thesis. We had about 5 weeks left, in which we got a new teacher, a new plan, learned how to make charts in word using data in excel. The fact was, working this hard made me feel useful, which drowned my worries most of the times. With other words, everyone knows I fuss over everything, I can be a nervous wreck from time to time, but I put my mind and soul into it, all of that disappears. I might not be the most lovable person, but at least I know I can do it, if I have to. And… also, I don’t easily give up. I know there are a lot of people that think I always give up on things, but if it really matters to me, apparently I don’t. I just make choices what to fight for.

Off course we passed our thesis, and I graduated. Only I wasn’t as ecstatic as I thought I would be. I had been working so hard to achieve something and suddenly there was nothing to fight for anymore. My life seemed empty… There wasn’t much time to ponder over that as I found myself something to do. A busy summer holiday with lots work with tourists. During which time a new plan came up. Or actually an old plan, but one I hadn’t really started fighting for, I’d put it on the shelve waiting for the right time: going to Italy for a longer period to learn the language. Now was the right time, I had graduated, had no fulltime job obligations, no boyfriend or children to complicate things, I was free, I could do anything I wanted to! From that moment on I started working on this plan and as with the thesis, everything came together. I found people who wanted to help me, let me stay in their houses, people who wanted me to help them learning English, babysit their children. I was dumbstruck by the effort other people made for me, just because I asked them a question: “will you help me?”

This might’ve been one of the most valuable lessons I learned this year, thanks to a lecture at school, right before graduation: ‘If you have a good story and find the right people and ask the right question, they will want to help you!’ We are never alone in this world and though there’s a lot you have to do on your own, there’s always support to be found.

Another very valuable lesson I learned this year is to ‘care less’. Especially about other people and what they think of me. It was during the summer holidays when I had a few encounters that were less positive. And off course I started fussing and worrying, like I do. But after a little while I realized, every year you meet people that you don’t like or they don’t like you, sometimes they even hurt you, or maybe you might hurt them. You can worry over this all you want, but next year during this time, you’ll have difficulty remembering the face, or the name of this person and you’ll ask yourself: why on earth did I worry about this person, he means nothing to me!

And in the spirit of the season I would like to end with this note: Don’t spend to much time with people who make you feel bad, or even people who make you behave bad. Find people that make you feel happy and loved and who bring out the best of you, and keep these people close. They’re your friends and they might just be the most precious treasure you will ever find.